One good ride. Unfinished.

   Year 2015, October 31^st, the night that I will never forget.  The fact that I was going to wear the jacket I’ve worked extra for, the fact that I was going to a pub where there is unlimited alcohol ( me being an alcoholic, that’s serious business) while burning with 103-4 fever, and the fact that it was the night when I first saw you.  I remember the moment you walked in I told myself “going to get her number tonight.” The black dress, the unique hair, and the smile. Oh the smile.  I knew right at that moment. I want you. 

Took me almost 15 shots of white rum and a number of beers to finally gather the courage to walk up to you. “30 seconds of insane courage” as quoted by Benjamin Me, I am thinking to myself, “Just 30 seconds and you’re life will be different. “  It was 8 years that I’ve actually walked up to a complete stranger and asked for her number so it was obvious and difficult. Not that I couldn’t have done it before but never felt like it would be worth it.  I saw you across the room, it was gloomy and my eyes hazy. Just looking at you while walking up to you made my knees shake. And I think the amount of alcohol also played a little part for the shaking knees, but let’s just say it was just by looking at your gorgeous smile.

“Few more seconds” I thought. Finally, “Hey, I am Alakesh, I saw you across the room and couldn’t help but to ask, would you like to have a drink with me?” (I am just assuming that’s what I said as I don’t remember much from that night, as I was high as a kite). My heart beating so fast that I could literally hear it through all the loud music. And then you said “Yes.”  In the midst of unlimited alcohol, music and friends that one word felt the sweetest. To be honest I don’t recall most of the things after that, I was high on your company. Or so to say. Just hazy memories of you sitting next to me, the talks, me asking your number multiple times and as you have mentioned later asking to get a kiss from you.  But the next morning when I got up I was happy. So I assumed it was a good night. And then I saw your message.  That first week was the most difficult; anxiety was driving me crazy as I couldn’t wait to meet you again. Sharing our thoughts, sharing our likes and dislikes, quoting Alexander Supertramp.

To be honest when you asked me to come down to your place I was a little hesitant, because it doesn’t happen that way. We were practically strangers. And I was not high to do something of that sort. I stood there for 10 minutes or so after the call thinking what to do. But for some unknown reason which I can’t explain I decided to board the vehicle that would take me to you. When you walked down towards me, I realized you looked even more beautiful when I am sober. I was amazed because usually it is the other way round.  And then we walked. To be honest, seeing you live with another guy in the same room felt really awkward.  But as I said it was again for the same unknown reason I decided to stay and see how things go. And I’m glad I stayed.

 Couldn’t help but falling for your smile again and again and the touch of your hands. The first kiss.  

    Stopped writing in between, cause the time after those three days and the night of the magical roof, as we had stopped talking. I couldn’t write as everything reminded me of you. My favorite songs became my enemies, each moment I spent in my room haunted me. Your presence in my room, the comfort in your touch, the warmth of your body, your sweet kiss, your smell. They haunted me every moment, there wasn’t a single moment that I didn't think about you. The promises, the 1000 pictures I still wanted to hold on to. I never realized till then that how hopelessly in love I am with you. Praying, wishing that one day, you'll become mine and I'll have the chance to love you again.

     It was hard for me to stay without talking to you and having you around. My friends started calling me mad and in their terms “I was fucked”. Words can’t describe how low I fell. It broke almost everything in me. Alcohol wasn’t helping at all as being a ‘Fish’ it hardly affects. I have always been a loner. Being alone was always something I enjoyed. Loneliness was a friend .It haunted me for the first time. How it was with you I haven’t a clue. But I could feel that it wasn’t as me. Then came the night before I went for the trip. The weekend before, I was just expecting a reply… waited the whole day, and there was none.  What I did next was something I am not proud of but I needed that. Something to remind me what I was before I met you.  I wasn’t brain dead anymore. Rose again from the depths of darkness that you had left me in.

    The night of 25^th. I was joyous. I was with the mountains. My mind was clear and my heart was free. A beer in my hand and the cold misty mountains. I was free. Then came your message, and all the joy turned into some kind of painful sweetness. I wanted to walk holding your hands, through the woods at night while I looked up to the moon, thanking god for bringing you in my life. I knew that it was you that I want to make happy, and give my body and soul. And that all the meaningless one night stands never did or was ever going to feel the emptiness which was always there in my heart and I never knew that it could be filled up with happiness.

    When I met you again, after a month’s stress, I knew you were happy, I was too but there was still a feeling around you that made me feel that you weren’t mine completely.  Reason for asking you to stay with me one more night was just a mere try to make you believe in me and feel how I feel. Make you realize that I would walk any distance to keep you happy. And the night that we got married for just one night, I felt that you believed in us. There were moments when I wanted to say that I love you. But didn’t. I felt that leaving your freedom and being bound in a relationship will scare you away and that I’d lose you again. But I believed in that moment that we are going to be a beautiful memory after we are gone. 

   Here I am, trying to write down again about all that I had to say. It’s just been a week that I see same thing happening again. I asked you to meet me because I wanted to love you, till you hold onto me and I hold onto you and till our eyes meet and I drown in yours and you drown into mine. I don’t know if you remember, I did mention about meeting me only if you wanted to with all your heart. I would always ask, it is obvious, cause meeting you makes me happy.  And I like to be happy.  I never thought just by asking you to meet would make you feel suffocated. I never expected you to use the word desperate. Do not compare and think of me as all the other guys you’ve been with. I want to meet you because, I feel you deserve all the love in the world. . You being weird or not is not a problem. Like I said, I am there for you always. But when I say that, it doesn’t mean I’m desperate. Taking my feeling for granted is the problem.      

     You don’t tell me much Budhi, but I’ve always felt that there is something that troubles you. I know I can’t be the factor to make you forget whatever that troubles you. But I want to be the person who would share it and help you go through it.  I was asked once, “Share pain??” I would say no. I won’t share mine. But for the people I love, I would take on theirs. I am a fool, says my best friend. She loughs. “Dude, you’re in deep shit.” she says.  Here’s something that was noted down. Never went through it again as I didn’t want to edit any of the feeling was that came out in moment. Might be terrible but this one is for you. I got something to write about after almost a decade. I’ll always be grateful for that. For being an inspiration. 

Unfinished lines, which will never have an ending...

     

There will be factors, telling you, controlling you

To stay away

There will be people who will make your feelings sway

But let me tell you my love

Give me your trust and I’ll give you my life

I can be anything you want me to be

I want you to be mine yet free

Everyday i spend without you

Are the darkest days for me

But let me tell you love

It'll always be you

In my darkest of days

The light that i will see

        Something I could never finish. Never thought I needed to as in my mind I felt why write it down as I am going to live it.  And for us it will never be a memory, it will be our life.

    I was broken Budhi. Each time I left a girl lying naked in her bed. Never to call again I left a piece of my heart. More I did, more broken I became. And for the first time I felt I could collect all those shattered pieces and make it one. You shook my feelings. Today I would like to give you something that will probably ruin me completely.  I know I said wouldn’t make you choose. But this is a choice for you. Drop the pages and walk away. And our story ends there. But if you feel you want your life with me, an adventure that you’ll take with you. And you want to commit yourself to me completely; walk up to me and tell me that you love me. And I promise you this my love, I will never let anything shoo away the smile I fell for , will never make  you feel unwanted and that we will have an adventure like none other.